Bob Sutton (@work_matters) is a professor of management science at Stanford and a best-selling author
Host: Brett McKay (@brettmckay)
The Asshole Survival Guide: How to Deal With People Who Treat You Like Dirt by Bob Sutton
The No Asshole Rule: Building a Civilized Workplace and Surviving One That Isn’t by Bob Sutton
“It’s somebody who leaves others feeling demeaned, disrespected, and/or deenergized” – Bob Sutton
  • There are certified jerks who constantly treat people like dirt, but every person, intentionally or unintentionally, can act be a jerk in the wrong circumstances
People who constantly act like jerks are generally under constant time-pressure, are competitive in a zero-sum sense, are sleep deprived, and hang around other jerks
You shouldn’t immediately label people as jerks just because of an unpleasant encounter. They might be having a bad day.
  • “There’s all sorts of evidence that show we’re really fast to label other people as jerks and really slow to label ourselves” – Bob Sutton
Keep people in your life who love you and won’t hesitate to tell you when you’re acting like a jerk
  • There’s a difference between people who are harsh on you because they want to hurt your feelings and people who are harsh on you because they want you to be your best self
The Dunning-Kruger effect of low-skilled people overestimating their abilities also applies to social skills like understanding when you’re being unpleasant rather than assuming it’s other peoples’ fault
Some of the effects of being around jerks:
  • Your physical and mental health is impaired
  • The quality of your other relationships are damaged
  • Increased inclination to commit crimes
  • Decreased productive
  • Decreased life satisfaction
Customers and clients who act like jerks tend to be charged more while receiving lower quality results 
While acting like and being around jerks has far more negative effects in the long-term, being disrespectful and/or harsh can provide benefits in certain situations
  • “Having strategic temper tantrums may actually work to motivate people when they’re feeling complacent or they’re being incompetent” – Bob Sutton
  • For example, athletic coaches who usually don’t go off but are occasionally harsh and give grief when their team isn’t performing well have statistically better results
In one-off competitive settings, demeaning others can provide better results for you
  • Though if you need to collaborate in the future with them you’ll get worse results
  • Create as much physical distance as possible
    • Someone 50 feet away may as well be in another country
  • If you have to talk to them, like at work, then limit your interactions
    • This also goes for online interactions
  • Reframe how you think about your interactions with them in your mind
    • Teddy Roosevelt imagined his battles with corrupt politicians as an epic struggle between good and evil rather than just politics
    • Or you can simply think of yourself as the better person tolerating ignorance
  • Attempt to honestly ask them to stop any disrespectful behavior without attacking their character
    • If their behavior stems from ignorance this method usually works
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