Top Five Regrets of the Dying: A Life Transformed by the Dearly Departing by Bronnie Ware
The author discusses her insights about the most common regrets shared by people on their deathbed
Brett McKay and Dr. Adrian Camilleri recommend the following books for help to make important life decisions:
  • How to Decide: Simple Tools for Making Better Choices by Annie Duke
  • Farsighted: How to Make the Decisions That Matter the Most by Steven Johnson
Dr. Adrian Camilleri (@arcamilleri) is a consumer psychologist that applies experimental and survey research methods to understand and explain the process of decision-making.
  • Check out Adrian’s The Biggest Life Decisions page and complete the survey to support the research data.
“If you were to ask me what is really the biggest decision in life, it would be the combination of the most the common and the most important” – Dr. Adrian Camilleri
Host – Brett McKay (@brettmckay)
Big life decisions are a choice between multiple options that have significant, long-term consequences for everyone involved
Dr. Camilleri expanded on this definition by conducting an empirical study with hundreds of participants (there was no cross-cultural research)
They came up with nine or 10 core features of big life decisions:
  • They are rarely made (e.g. marriage)
  • They involve much thinking
  • Their outcome is uncertain 
  • They challenge our morals or values (e.g. abortion)
  • There is a significant investment of resources (e.g. buying a house)
  • They rule out many other options
  • They impact multiple areas of life, and people
  • They have many consequences
  • They are difficult to undo
Based on the study, there are 9 decision categories (and 58 different decision types)
  • People usually list 3 to 20 decisions, but 10 seems to be the sweet spot
In no particular order, 9 most common big life decision categories are:
  • Career-related decisions (e.g. starting a new job)
  • Education-related decisions (e.g. choosing a major)
  • Family-related decisions  (e.g. having a child)
  • Finance-related decisions (e.g. buying a car)
  • Relationship-related decisions (e.g. getting married)
  • Relocation-related decisions (e.g. moving to a different state)
  • Self destruction-related decisions (e.g. addiction)
  • Self developmental-related decisions (e.g. religion, spirituality, travel…)
  • Other
The most common ones are job, marriage, and degree-related decisions
Dr. Camilleri cross-referenced this data with the age of the participants
  • He concluded that younger people are more focused on education, while older people are more concerned with decisions about divorce and retirement.
“If you were to ask me what is really the biggest decision in life, it would be the combination of the most the common and the most important” – Dr. Adrian Camilleri
We can look at decision-making in two aspects; how common they are, and how important they are when they happen. 
  • Ending a life is less common than the decision to get married
The decision that ranked as the most important is ending a life (usually in the form of abortion)
Other important decisions include:
  • Engaging in self-harm
  • Getting married
  • Having a child
  • Pursuing religion or spirituality
Do people decide to self-harm or does it just happen?
According to the answers from the survey, participants explain that self-harming was a decision
Self-harm behavior can be an active decision to seek help
Self-harm, substance abuse, or a  decision to commit a crime are usually decisions people do not spend much time thinking about
Decisions made earlier in life include education, addiction, crime-related decisions, and joining the military
Decisions made later in life are about retirement, writing your will, selling a home, and closing down your business
“It seems like most of my big life decision have already been made at 35, but I’m probably wrong and you are too if you are thinking the same thing” – Dr. Adrian Camilleri
People overestimate how many of life’s biggest decisions they have already made
Life changes with every moment, and nobody knows what decisions they will have to make in future
  • People in their 70’s still expect to make big decisions, despite their age; and they are probably correct
  • 30’s and 40’s are decades characterized by high-pressure time due to mortgage, parenting, work, and other
  • They are also a time of lowest happiness
Reminiscence bump – for every age group, most of the big decisions were made in their 20’s
  • This is not surprising since the 20’s are a fundamental period of life where people usually establish themselves via degree, career, and relationships
When asked to reexamine and re-evaluate their past decisions, most people think about them in a positive light – this is good news
  • This ties into the positivity bias – a tendency for people to be more focused on the positive features of reality
  • Older people are more focused on positive things
Decisions that were rated as most positive were decisions related to spirituality and religion and overcoming an addiction 
The least positive decisions or regretful decisions are self-destructive type decisions:
  • Becoming an addict
  • Taking part in criminal activities
  • Disconnecting from our friends
“Some of the most enduring regrets relate to social relationships due to our biological need to belong” – Dr. Adrian Camilleri
We also regret the decisions we make that are inconsistent with our personal values
  • Even if we make poor decisions, it is important that they are in congruence with our values
This is a big question: How to make someone do changes that will benefit them 30 years down the road (e.g. taking care of our body, investing our savings)?
“People are really poor at predicting when their big life decisions are going to happen” – Dr. Adrian Camilleri
You are going to be a different person in 5, 10, 15 years because you will want different things
We can improve our future if we learn from people with more experience than us
We should prioritize change above the status quo 
  • If it’s 50/50 (you can’t decide) – just make the change already
Being more analytical instead of “trusting your gut” usually makes for better decisions
  • being analytical means spending more time, doing more research to make a decision
Confidence in our decisions comes from goal reflection and decision commitment
Avoid the sense of obligation, do not make big decisions because of others
  • Understand yourself and know your values as your reference point
Do not focus too much on the outcome, instead reflect on the process
Take advice and you will help your future self not feel regret
  • Seek out the wisdom of others who already did some of the decisions you are pondering about
So far, Dr. Camilleri has only focused on Americans; but he wants to include different cultures
He wants to write a book that summarizes his research and helps people navigate through their biggest life decisions
You can complete the survey at tenbiggestdecisions.com, and compare your results with other people
  • Support the data and fill the survey!